My dumb problems

Some days I wake up and think about the last time it didn't hurt every muscle in my body to get out of bed. But as time goes on, that memory just seems more and more distant.

Here is a picture I took today. Just to Happy it up a notch.

The shady vet

- Hello, house call vet! I waited for your for an hour and a half to come and see my cat, but you never showed up. It's very strange that you are returning my call six hours later!

- Hi. Yes, I must have forgotten! How strange! Let's reschedule. 

- Great! 

- How is noon next week?

- That's perfect as long as you are not late this time! Hah!

- Wonderful. That will be $200!

- ..

- ..

- Fuck you. 

The big ouch

I had been feeling pretty good until while attempting to eat a meal, I chomped on the barbell and screeched like a motherfucker.

Too much wine

When I woke up the next morning still wearing my tights, I knew finishing off that bottle of wine was a terrible idea.

Telephone

- (on the telephone.) WHAT? No way. Well, fine. I guess you can come later and I can leave earlier. I have to be at work at 5. Yeah. 

- (pissy) Ahem.

- Um, I have to go. (hangs up, looks left) Hi.

- I think you just said more words to that person on the phone than you've said to me all day.

Cat

- What's the cat doing?
- I think she's plotting our deaths.

Spice rack

- Where did you put the dental flossers?

- I don't know. Oh, wait. They're in the spice rack.

- The spice rack? Why did you put them there?

- They were in front of it. I was cleaning. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- That's how I roll.

Five things at once

- Can you do me a favor?

- Ugh, what is it? I'm doing five things at once.

- You're doing one thing.

- What do you want me to do?

- Can you shave my back?

- I'm cooking!

- Please?

- ...

- ...

- Alright.