Lady-like

Sitting at in lot at Rose Nullman park, I frantically dry-shaved my legs with dollar store razors because in a fit of sun-induced frenzy I left the house without changing out of my purple-striped shorts. And this girl doesn't shave unless it's a goddamned special occasion. A sweet elderly couple holding hands passed by my car as I swiftly shaved, the razor scratching at my dry, pale skin and they said "Good morning!" while simultaneously peering inside of my car.. and then they quickly looked away, trying to disguise their surprised grins.

Fuck you, old people. At least I'm trying.

Perfect Day #1

A perfect day:

- Wake up to the smell of fresh-cut grass and the kitty grooming my eyebrows.  Hot shower, bath loofa with Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea Shower gel.  Cinnamon bagel with garlic & herb cream cheese and a sugar-free energy drink.

- Change into favorite zebra-print bikini and sarong getup and climb into the car. All windows down.  Swing by Del's and head to the beach.  Lay contentedly in the sun until cooked to a crisp.  Then, run wildly into the surf to take the edge off the burn.

- Hop into the car and drive to Providence where there are magically interesting things to do.   Pick through the thrift stores, eat a reuben for lunch, wander aimlessly through the city.  Snap pictures of everything.  Walk into camera store pretending like I have money for a 17-40L, promise I'll be back to buy it eventually..

- Catch a shitty, overpriced horror movie at the theater. Eat way too much candy, scream at scary parts, complain that I am getting fat.

- Head home to pack up camera shit and swing by the market to buy soda and cheese doodles.  Walk out to Black Point and shoot long exposures as it gets dark while laying spread out on a blanket on the rocks, munching junk food and watching the sun fade.

- Sappy cuddles and swapping of fluids under the cover of darkness with my man.  Careful not to knock the camera off the tripod.  Afterwards, watch all the little floaty lights among the stars doing their thang. 

- Home to post-process a photo or two and watch Futurama and various nature documentaries. Fall asleep to the smell of a warm summer night's sweet air. 

Differences

- Let me ask you something, my friend and I are talking. We think it would be annoying to have balls. Confirm/deny.

- Barely notice them.

- Are you sure, because they are always there and are sort of dangly.

- That's true but most of the time you don't really feel them. And they like, move closer or away from your body according to body heat. And they don't interfere with running or walking. It's a pretty good deal.

- Hmm. Well I will take your word for it but I must say that I don't think I would ever be happy with testicles.

- It's probably best that you're female then. I wouldn't want breasts! Not long-term, anyway.

- No, actually, boobs are awesome. They get you free things if you show them to people.

- That's true. Balls don't do that. Also, being kicked there is one of the most awful feelings there is.

- Exactly.

Oops

Upon studying a shitty ad on myspace.com for that horrid movie featuring that shitty actor from the highschool musical films.

-- Hey. Zach Effron is not Tom Hanks!

-- What are you talking about?

-- He's not.

-- That isn't Tom Hanks.

-- Oh! No.. no it isn't. That's the other man.

-- Are you drunk?

-- It's the other man.

-- You're drunk.

Fatty fat fat fat

When I become sick, the little part of my brain that determines what I shove into my food-hole shuts off and I stuff all sorts of junk down my throat. Last week I gained six pounds by eating nothing but Saltine crackers. 

I could have at least been eating GOOD stuff like Ben and Jerry's, or Walmart-brand cherry pop tarts with the frosting on top, but no. The weird girl decided to go crazy with the boring, salty carb wafers. Leave it to me to waste my Eat Whatever You Like, You're Sick free card on something so miserable.. sleeve after sleeve after sleeve.

So, anyway, hopefully by next week I'll have lost the extra bulk. Lettuce is boring and summer is coming! There's skin to be bared, legs to be shown off. I'm going to skinny dip again this year and by God I will not do it looking the way I do right now.

Wish me luck!

Doing things is what I like to do

Tonight we watched a scary movie that is still in theaters and leaked onto the internet.  I was terrified but could not stop watching, which I believe is how it came to be that I absolutely must pee and it's six in the morning and I'm considering wetting the bed so I don't have to think solar flares and the earth and painful radiation poisoning/eyeball-popping heat. Did I mention that the image of a flaming moose has been burned into my brain? I am never watching scary movies ever again. 

Also, I'm supposed to call the surgeon in a matter of hours but hell if I know if I'll be awake or not! 

I need to borrow the donut cushion from my cousins. 

I have a secret.

A giddy, giddy secret.